What DO I say?

Life BB (Before Babies) was in a lot of ways very different.

For instance, we could leave the house on a moment's notice. We could stay up past bedtime on a school night (well, I could, Matt couldn't). We didn't need to plan our day around an afternoon nap. We didn't need to restrict eating out to outdoor restaurants with concrete floors.

Now, it takes us a little longer to get out the door. Sometimes we never even make it. The house is dark (except for the computer monitor) by eight o'clock. The house is quiet every afternoon for Baby Siesta. And right now I'm craving squid, saag paneer, and an assortment of other foods not available at the local kidproof eateries.

The hardest thing, however, is this: BB, I was recognized as an an expert in my professional field, and in my personal life. People assumed I knew what I was doing. Now, as I mosey around town with my two little people, I am suddenly in dire need of advice. C&D need cribs, spankings, and American cheese. I need to participate in lots of MNO's (Mothers' Night Out, for the uninitiated) and put on a little makeup for my husband. I listen politely, then smile and nod, and my acting skills improve daily.

The other part of the baby routine is Mommy Talk. You know, the kind of talk that strangers do when they are looking for polite conversation, and rather than ask about work, politics, or the weather, they ask about poop, sleep, and Gerber carrots. Sometimes the conversations go like this:
How are they sleeping?
David still wakes up at night.
Do they sleep in the same crib?
No, actually, one sleeps with me in one room and the other with my husband. Everybody gets more sleep that way.
Oh, well, at least they're not in your bed!
Heh, heh . . .

And then today, it wound up like this:
I put my baby's bedroom as far from my bedroom as possible. I don't want to have to hear her when she wakes up.
I looked at the baby, who was dangling bored and uncomfortable from a baby swing while her mother talked and gave the swing an occasional push. The woman hadn't given me advice, but her easy confidence suggested that she expected I would agree with and even appreciate her nifty nighttime trick. No way would Baby's cries and whimpers interfere with Mommy's busy schedule. I smiled and nodded in a neighborly way, then changed the subject. Thinking about the conversation later, I wondered why some people think it's right to demand convenience--and compliance--from a person who can't even yet talk in a full sentence. I also wondered why I didn't say anything in response. Somehow, it's okay for someone to proudly admit--to a stranger, no less--to ignoring their baby, but I could only just smile and nod, afraid of inviting any criticism if I dared to disagree.

Would I say anything next time? Probably not. Walking through big-box baby retailers and looking at the wide assortment of baby bouncers, cribs, playpens, baby monitors, sleep-through-the-night books, and Baby Einstein videos suggests that the Ideal Child is a convenient child, and the Ideal Mother makes sure her child is convenient. I already feel like I'm swimming upstream and against the current; why swim even harder? I'm too tired as it is.

At the same time, I don't self-sacrificially throw myself on the ground and let C&D walk all over me (and not just because Carmen likes to stand and bounce on my bladder). The other Mommy talk I hear too often is:
Don't forget to make time for yourself.
Yes, I want to say, and you are currently infringing on it. But really, since you haven't even bothered to ask me, what do you think I do all week? Play Pat-a-Cake and dolls? Why do people assume that I now include "parent" in the list of Things I Am, my life has become slow and in need of stimulation? Do I LOOK boring? Or do you think my life is brimful of nervewracking baby-induced chaos and I need to run out of my house screaming every Thursday for Happy Hour? If I wore the socialist feminist book that I read last week on my head, would you not tell me to make time for myself? Hey, look, it's 12am, I'm making time for myself! In fact, if you weren't so low on my list of priorities, I could provide you with a portfolio of all of the paid work, volunteer projects, and personal projects I've undertaken since January 2005. But it's going to take me a while because I'm busy with other, more important, things, so let me pencil it into my calendar and tell you to expect to see it, oh, gee, never? And, lastly, if you're confused because I have to adhere to the Baby Clock, won't on a whim go out to lunch at 2 o'clock, get my nails done on a Saturday (ew, sorry, that wasn't my thing even BB), or stay out late with you on a random weekday, well, I don't know what to say, really.

What DO I say?